I too have had to do some serious soul searching. Trust me this started when Caleb was alive. All my life I’ve relied on my looks to get me through. I remember Caleb telling me looks fade. He also said beauty was only skin deep but ugly was all the way to the bone. He told me sometimes my ugly overshadowed my beauty. He reminded me he didn’t marry me because of my physical beauty, he felt we had something in common, both being single parents and coming out of very abusive relationships. I know he spoke the truth. He always said he could see the real me. He told me I wore many masks but he could see my core self. I asked Josh what he saw and it took him a minute to respond. He told me he saw a very confused woman struggling with her identity. He doesn’t think I hate Mason but he senses a deep resentment and he made it clear just like Caleb did, he would not feed into it or tolerate any thing like what happened at the last meeting. Like Caleb he adores Mason and I know why. Mason is a very good woman and I wish I could be like her.
Josh has said he does not want to tell me not to see my step mother and my and father, but he is absolutely not comfortable around them and will not join me when I visit which caused a big problem for my parents. He told me it’s time I decided what kind of person I want to be and I think he’s right. I had a talk with my parents over the holiday, I visited them alone as the children where with Caleb’s father who has also expressed how he doesn’t want his grandchildren around my parents. I could tell all of this actually bothered them but they are racist and they are trump supporters and that is driving a wedge between the races, cultures, and families. Deep down I do not share their views. I reminded my father my mother was biracial. I told him I’m not comfortable with anything trump or his administration is doing to our country, to the world. I told them if they are than I will be departing from their lives and living my life in a way that is not hate filled. I am a Gnostic first and far most and we are not a hateful faith. I felt good when I saw my husband and children this evening and told them we would not visit my parents again. The kids were very happy and I can’t say that shocked me. I know I made the right decision because it felt good, it felt right, and I know a peace like I’ve never known.
