There is so much going on in the world and it's upsetting. Many of us have things going on in their personal life and we have a president that forces us to worry about safety issues outside of our home, throwing gasoline on a flame that has been sparking for years. I look white but I am half Spanish. My mother’s family is Spanish, that is Latin. I believe my father was white, at least my mother thinks that what he was. She told me I am a result of rape. She came here with her mother when she was sixteen and they lived in a house with many other people. A man slipped into her room on night while her mother was down helping prepare food. He raped her and she hid her pregnancy for as long as she could. They went to live with her mother's brother, my uncle and when he mother met a man and prepared to leave her uncle's house she told her she couldn't come with me. She gave birth to me and left me with my uncle and his wife. She didn't blame her mother because she didn't want a child fathered by a man who raped her.I understand she couldn't take care of me but she didn't want to either. For years I’ve wondered about my own heritage. My aunt was there for me as much as she could be but my uncle beat on her and she died when I was very young, three I believe. For a while I called him papa until he told me I was part gringo I was eight when he told me to stop calling him papa and to figure out where I wanted to live because he was tired of feeding me. I started finding other places to stay when I was ten the authorities took me from school after receiving reports I was being physically abused. He was confronted taken to jail, and I went to foster care. I was abused in every home they put me in. For eight years I struggled to survive going in and out of group homes and foster homes. I always tried to make my foster parents like me but it didn't take me long to realize most of them were in it for the money only. I withdrew and was determined mentally disabled. When I turned eighteen i was given disability but it wasn't enough to pay rent. So I ended up renting a room from a older woman and she was very nice. I didn't know how to act because all my life everyone has always mean to me. She realized I was not mentally disabled and helped me gain the confidence I needed to go to work. .I liked working and soon was able to buy a house and my own car.
My mother is back in my life now and shows remorse because of how badly her uncle treated me but I asked her what did she expect. She didn’t want me and he didn’t either. At some point people have to stop thinking just because you put a roof over a child’s head square you with God. I am not mean to my mother but I do not let her off the hook. I told her, I will not abandon her in her hour or need, the way she abandoned me.
I appreciate her apology but it does not erase all that I was subjected to, that I had to deal with, and I was innocent. I suffered, saying sorry now simple does not make what happened to me better. I forgive her but her apology is hollow. I have the love and support I need and for that I am grateful. I also realize sorry is all she can say. All I do is shrug at because it doesn't matter anymore. it's hollow. The moral to this or my story is, be careful how you treat people, because time passes and if you make a decision that has a negative affect on or impact on another person’s life, Sorry will not be enough to erase all the suffering the decision causes. Sorry just won’t erase the horror, the pain, the misery. What disturbs me is parents who abandon their children when they are most needful, showing up years later, after all the suffering, wanting to be embraced, forgiven, welcomed. It’s simply unrealistic and impossible. I helped my mother get an apartment, she is working, and I will not keep her from having a relationship with her grandchildren, but I don’t want her to expect a mother son relationship with me. I look at her and fell the pain of knowing she abandoned me when I needed her most and I suffered. I say this to ultimately say, I grew up seeing the worse in people and it's bad. People there are way more bad people in the world than good. I have personally witnessed the 95/5 ratio. it's real and that's why the world is so bad and will remain so until another disaster comes and attempts to cleanse it once again.
