Mason, your empathy is amazing. I never thought about how stressful our society is on men but you are right. We have quite a bit to carry on our shoulders. We grow up hearing big boys don’t cry, so we learn to mask of swallow our emotions. We learned we are supposed to be tuff and brave, so we mask our fears early in life and when it’s time to start drinking, bring it on. We, those of us who grow up in wealthy homes, are raised by nannies. I had a governess up until I turned 13. I saw little of my parents and I am an only child. My problem is human companionship. I grew up thirsty for people to be with, be around, be loved, be wanted. It has led me to make some questionable choices as an adult, especially when it comes to getting married. I wanted lots of children because I didn’t want to have one child and have them fell like me, alone. I don’t like wooden spoons because I was always hit with a wooden spoon. I am constantly aware of the needs of my children because no one seemed to care about my needs as a child. I’m not just talking about shelter, clothing, shoes, food, all that stuff. I’m talking about being heard, being seen, knowing they are loved and they matter.
What happens is we kind of go wild when we are able to be free and that is out of our parent’s home. College WaaaHOOO I did everything under the sun, meth, crack, cocaine, heroin, I drank. I barely made it out of college. I married the first girl that made me feel like I mattered. I didn’t pay attention to anything about her. I began to see things when it was to late. She began to get pregnant and I was so happy I was going to be a father I just dealt with all the things I knew were a serious problem. Three kids later I had enough. She’s an alcoholic, and very verbally abusive. One thing I never did was tell her anything about my families finances. She didn’t know my ole man was loaded until we were divorced. She was furious. She dropped the kids off and told me to go to hell as she walked away and got into the car with a guy we went to school with who was very abusive toward females, and who used all kinds of drugs. She’s a drug addict now.
Rebecca was the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. I had to make it work with her she was beautiful. Nothing I did was ever going to work, when I realized that, she decided I was betraying her and she stabbed me several times. I couldn’t believe it but what disturbed me more was the vacant look in her eyes when she did it. There was nothing there, and the room was suddenly very cold. Jake saved my life. He ran into his mother with so much force it knocked her down. He then screamed at her and told her to get out. I reached for the phone and called an ambulance and then immediately started trying to calm my son down. Rebecca slowly backed away but the vacant look in her eyes remained. Jacobi faced her bravely, standing over me when I fell and daring her to come near me again. At that point Jason ran into the room with some of his friends. One of them grabbed Becca and held her there until the police arrived. They arrived minutes before the ambulance, and I remember looking into the tear-filled eyes of my then youngest son and desperately wanting to tell him I was going to be all right, but I didn’t think I was going to survive.
I woke up in the hospital surrounded by my family. Jim and Karen were there and Karen was so upset I held out my hand toward her and she collapsed in tears. I couldn’t speak. I was so weak and still not sure I was going to live. Then Mark looked down at me and tears rolled from my eyes. He is always there, always. He told me I’m wasn’t leaving and I smiled and nodded. That’s when I knew I was going to be all right. I have seen this vacant look in Becca’s eyes before but I told myself it was going to be all right. I refused to deal with what I knew was obvious until it was almost too late. She was angry when I embraced Shawn.
One thing becoming Gnostic has taught me is I have got to think about myself, something I had never done before. I found a woman that takes care of me and looks out for me. Ebony is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life and I am now made whole. I am going to work on paying attention to my sixth sense because it has spoken to me on many occasions. It’s time to start listening.
